Sleeping Dogs
by melliecats21
Summary: Bella moved on with her life after Edward left her at the beginning of New Moon. They meet 4 years after that day in the woods.


Conversations you hold in your head usually go the way you wish them to. It is impossible to have that perfect conversation in reality. There's chance and the free will of the other person to consider. Whether you believe in destiny or random chaos, you soon realize that neither is on your side and any valid argument you might have, can be turned upside down and thrown back in your face. The words you feel either the need to say or have the desire to hear are hardly ever spoken. In everyday life arguments, instead of portraying that strong and independent person I hope I have somehow become, I turn into a quivering and sniffling child, waiting for my mother's arms to swoop me up and take me to safety.

You need to understand that I rarely have real life, everyday arguments. I rarely have real life, everyday conversations. I find it more interesting to bury my head in the latest philosophy book than speaking with a colleague in fear of having difficult questions to answer. I am sure that most people aren't aware of how intrusive and personal their questions, however benign they are meant, can be.

It was this time last week Friday, when my quiet, almost mute life erupted into the one conversation I never thought I would or could have, with the one person I never thought I would se e or hear from again. You can imagine my surprise, upon arriving home from work, after a hot shower and wrapped in my sweats and terrycloth robe, whilst walking from my small kitchen to my living room, to find him standing there, in the middle of my hallway, as if it was the most natural place for him to be.

I found myself shaking with disbelief and for a moment, I was horrified that I had imagined this scene into reality. It wasn't until the cup of tea fell from my grasp and spilt it's hot contents on the floor, when the cup shattered into hundreds of pieces, when I felt cold arms grabbing me and lifting me out of the steaming puddle, that I even, for a moment, considered that this really could be happening, that he really could be here with me, truly there, with me. The sudden release of his hands, dropping me on the safety of the living room carpet, brought a sharp intake of breath on my part.

Without waiting for my brain's command, my hand reached out, seeking, searching for the feel of his cold skin against my finger tips. He stood watching, regarding my extremity as if it were the executioner's axe, there to deliver a fatal blow. He stepped away from me, towards the spilt tea, and momentarily cleaned up the mess I had made. I followed his movement, observing how he wiped the liquid from the floor and deposited the shards of broken cup into the bin.

Briefly we stood as before. Him, scrutinizing my reaction to his being there, me, afraid to blink, lest he disappear as unannounced as he had appeared. After ensuring that I was unharmed, he slowly, almost lazily walked to the window of the living room, turned his back to the view and leant against the window sill. I couldn't stop myself from noticing that it was the furthest away from me he could get whilst staying in the same room.

'Hello.' The first words spoken to each other in 4 years. His voice, so calm and smooth, awoke in me memories of girlhood feelings and fancies I thought I had overcome some time ago.

I struggled to be still, to feel myself, in this body, standing on the carpet of my living room, trying to find my voice and the words I wanted to say. 'How did you get in?' Under normal circumstances I would have been happy to smack myself on the head for my inability to come up with something better. I felt like Baby, uttering something about watermelons.

'I used the door... the key under the matt?' He stretched his legs out in front of him, crossing them at the ankle. His hands stuffed deep in his trouser pockets. 'You look… well.'

Somehow, I managed to order my legs to move, managed to walk to the cabinet where I kept the whiskey I had bought for Charlie when he visited. Grabbing a glass, I poured, gulped it down in one go, and poured some more. I exhaled, letting the heat travel down my throat. 'You look... the same.'

I turned towards him when I heard his chuckle, throaty and filled with unease. He scratched behind his ear, eyes following the pattern of the carpet on my floor. The lights from the window behind him making his hair shimmer and dance. My own personal angel. 'Did you expect me to look different?' He asked.

Closing my eyes, I blindly reached for the back of the sofa in front of me. I could feel the first hit of alcohol travelling through my system. All I had to do was breathe, I told myself, breathe, open my eyes and look at him. 'I hadn't given it much thought. To be honest, I think I tried to forget.'

'Forget what?' For a split second I saw the confidence slither out of him, making him appear more like the 17 year old boy he had been more than century ago, and not the fairytale being he had become.

'What you looked like.' I clarified. I took the second glass in another long sip and went to pour some more. I have never been a drinker, but my brain and heart were telling me that this situation could only be handled with the edges smoothed, the senses muddled. I waved the glass at him, ignoring the face he pulled at my actions. 'I would offer you something to drink, but...' I trailed off, pulling up my eyebrows whilst raising the moot point. Moving around the sofa and sitting down heavily, I pointed to the seat. 'Please, sit.'

For a moment, Edward, the boy I had so completely fallen in love with, contemplated my offer as if I had just promised him my first born. His jaw moved, became rigid, his eyes studying me as he inhaled deeply. Pushing himself off the sill, he stirred and sat at the other end of the sofa. So close and yet so far away from me. By the time he settled, he had once again become Edward, the cold and stone-like being that had broken my heart. 'Thank you.'

'So, may I ask what you're doing here?' Sensing the effects of the second glass of alcohol, I sipped the contents this time around. Drawing it into my mouth slowly, letting it sit and heat me from the inside.

I noticed him taking a deep breath, obviously weighing up what he should tell me, or should I say how much he should tell me. 'We were in the area, when we became aware of...'

'We?' I jumped in, eyebrows arched in question.

His golden eyes flashed at me. I was unsure whether it was due to me interrupting him or picking up his slip. 'Alice ,Jasper, and myself.' He continued slowly.

I couldn't help but feel a small sense of victory having managed to get this information out of him. 'Where are the others?' I pushed.

'Carlisle and Esme are in Montreal. Emmett decided to take Rosalie on a trip around Scandinavia. All four of them are on their way back. On their way here.' His hand moved along the back of the sofa where he sat, his fingers stroking the cushions that were between us.

'Hmmm.... how nice for them.' I sat forward, placing the glass on the small table in front of me. 'How long will you be around for?'

'We arrived two days ago. We currently don't have any plans to leave.' His eyes travelled from the glass, over my hand, along my arm, to my face. He seemed sad, suddenly. 'I guess it all depends on Alice.'

'Alice?'

'It depends on what Alice sees.' He explained further. There was silence between us. The air around us, still and ill at ease. He cleared his throat. 'I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that you lived here, in this city, otherwise I wouldn't have come here, wouldn't have interrupted your life, seen you. '

For a split second I saw images of his sister flash before my eyes. 'Ahh, Alice. She kept it from you?' I couldn't help but smirk at that girl's capacity for meddling.

'She didn't know.' He leaned away from me, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped as if in prayer.

'Oh.... ok.' I pulled a cushion towards me, hugging it tightly against my middle. The time that had passed between our last meeting and the one currently happening seemed to have narrowed to a few short minutes, and I felt like that stupid, small and insignificant girl again. Anger and hurt from deep inside stoked embers I thought had been extinguished long ago. 'That still doesn't tell me what you're doing here.' My voice though controlled and quiet was colder than I had anticipated.

Edward recoiled as if I had physically hit him. His eyes glazed over and regarded everything but me. 'Like I said, we were in the area when we became aware of certain activities...'

I moved slightly, a tiny fraction towards him, and he stopped, his eyes now utterly fixed on me. I felt my lungs restrict, no breath either invading or escaping. He swallowed slowly, eyes narrowing. 'Activities that weren't... 'human'?'

I let his word sink in. 'Ahh, and you think I'm in danger?'

'What makes you say that?'

I leaned back into the sofa, pulling my legs up beneath me, clenching onto the cushion that much tighter, as if it could help keep me in check, keep me calm. If I was going to get through whatever this was in one piece I needed to keep it together. Even though parts of me wanted to sing and cry in relief at being given another chance to look at his beautiful face, other parts were pure petulance, wanting to silently retreat behind those walls long ago constructed, slam doors, throw things, mainly in his direction.

But the biggest part of me was angry. Angry and afraid of myself, of my own feelings, of how I wasn't in control of myself. That he was capable of retrieving those long forgotten emotions, that all I wanted to do was to curl up in his arms and stay there forever. And all this after just 10 minutes in his presence. His presence even though not as confident as I remembered, felt utterly in control, completely dominating and restrained.

'You wouldn't be here if you didn't think I was in danger.' I whispered. 'For you to actually show yourself to me, means that whatever is going on must somehow be terrible....' I had managed to keep my voice calm, though the last word squeaked its way out of my voice box, the enemy that gave away everything I wished to hide.

'Yes. Well,...'

'So what is going on?' I questioned him. I reached for my glass and took a sip.

'We're not sure. You seem to have managed to keep yourself hidden from Alice.' He pinched the bridge of his nose, watching my movement from under his eyelashes.

'Hidden? She can't see me?' My eyes wouldn't leave his, and I tipped my head forward, letting my brain connect the dots. 'Hence the fact that she didn't know I was living here.'

'It was only when Jasper literally saw you that we realised you were here.'

'And how do you think I managed to keep myself hidden?'

'We don't know. Alice hasn't actively searched for you since...' He broke off, looking at his hands before him, as if he'd just admitted to breaking his mother's favourite vase.

'What was the vision about?' I queried. He was still watching his hands, staying silent, and not giving me the answer I sought. 'The one that I am not in?' I spoke louder.

'It's difficult to explain.' He rose quickly from the sofa, leaving me on my own. For a moment, my heart dropped to my stomach, my abandonment issued fought to be heard. He walked back to the window, moved the curtain a little and stood watching the view.

'Then what am I in danger of?' I asked, louder again. My teeth clenching,

'We're still trying to figure that out.'

'Is there anything you can tell me?' The sarcasm couldn't help but drip. 'Nice to see that some things never change.'

'How do you mean?' It was the innocence in his countenance that I found most infuriating.

'You... keeping me in the dark.' I pointed. My fingers couldn't help but push the blame on his person, as if he had brought this danger on me by just merely existing. 'Thinking it's somehow for my own good that I don't know what's going on. You making decisions for me... tell me if any of this sounds familiar to you.' I close to shouted.

'I am trying to do what is best for you. Please don't turn this into something it's not.' He sounded like he was scolding a small child for having eaten all the biscuits.

I think if I had bit down any harder, I would have broken my jaw. 'Who decided for you to come to me?' He stayed silent. 'Why didn't Alice pay me a visit?' I got up from my sofa and took a step towards him. 'Nobody thought of calling before turning up at my house, just in case I didn't want to see you?'

I was standing next to him, fingers again trying to find the guilty party. 'That 'making decisions for me''. He stayed stoic, not looking at me.

'I made that decision.' He whispered.

As fingers were about to prod him, he turned to me, looking hurt and fearful, grabbed my wrist before my fingers had a chance to come into contact with his shoulder. 'I'm honouring a promise I made you a long time ago - to keep you safe.'

My jaw unclenched at the surprising sincerity in both his face and voice. A rumble started in the pit of my stomach and broke out, bent me over, made me catch my breath, tears in my eyes as I laughed out loud.

He dropped my hand is if it had burnt him, took a step back and said, 'What?'

'Sorry to tell you this, but you're not that good at keeping your promises to me.' I straightened up, and seeing his confused expression, explained further. 'It'll be like I never existed?' I wiped the random laughter tear from my face, the situation having lost all of its humour, his eyes ordering me to not take things so frivolously. Now instead, I felt like crying tears of pain.

'This is different.' He pushed through gritted teeth.

'Different?'

'This is about keeping you alive.'

We stood, both of us battle bruised, behind lines drawn on my carpet, swords at the ready, itching for our fight to start. His line, his demand was my safety, no matter what the price. My line, my demand was my choice, my independence from any dictator or loving tyrant, no matter what the price. Our breaths, rapid and uneven, demonstrated our frustration with each other. Annoyance that the other could not or would not see our perfectly reasonable claim.

It was during this standoff, both of us seeking weak spots in the other's armour, that a soft vibration was heard. Our breaths silenced simultaneously as the mechanical noise grew in annoyance, a third party in our argument.

Edward stood still, looking down, fingering something in his pocket. I regarded him, watched as if I could tell his thoughts from the expression on his face. He knew who was calling. He knew what they were calling about. If I got my hands on that meddler, I would find a few choice words to throw at her. Like a 17th century gentleman, I felt unsatisfied, the duel left unfought.

'Don't you want to answer that?' I spat.

He viewed me, cocking his head, as if preparing to fight my anger with his own, but changed his mind and looked around the room. Noticing a door next to my window, he pointed. 'May I?'

I nodded, turning my back to him, and stomped out of the living room, fully aware that this was just a pause, an interval in our fight. I was regrouping in the kitchen, gulping down glass after glass of water, whilst he was on my balcony talking on the phone. I could see him striding from one side to the other, his voice hushed, his face taught and expressionless. His conversation ended, he looked at the phone silently for another few moments, before turning to me.

We stood, he outside, I in the kitchen and watched each other. I felt the heat rise from my chest, a deep blush spreading across my cheeks. I didn't know if I really wanted to fight anymore, but I had to acknowledge that we had to get the battle over with to get to the next stage, whatever that may be. Sadly, I realised that I would have to win the war to work this out. I looked away, the spoil of my fight dripping slowly out of me. When I returned my gaze, I was startled to find him standing right next to me, his face still, eyes drilling into me. I shivered, breaking the spell he had cast.

'Sorry.' His voice was so low it was close to a growl.

'No problem.' I stuttered. I heard him chuckle. 'What?' I demanded, annoyed that he had managed to catch me off guard.

'It's just strange... this. I'd forgotten. Not knowing what you're thinking.'

'Well, now you know how the rest of us feel.'

He leant against the counter, crossing his arms. 'I know that you are angry with me.'

I gulped the last of the water from my glass before putting it in the sink. I silently felt the fire being stoked, his words starting up the fight again.

'And you have every right to be.' He nodded slowly.

'Don't do that.' I snarled. I faced him again and realised that it was I who had caught him off guard this time. 'Don't tell me it's ok to feel the way I feel. Especially when you don't know how I feel.' My hands flew up, images of my mother during a tantrum stopped me cold, and I huffingly crossed them over my stomach.

'Well, you're making it quite clear that you are still angry with me.'

I moved past him, back across the hallway, into the living room.

'I wish I could explain things to you.' He followed me closely.

I abruptly turned, nearly bumping into him, stopping me cold in my tracks. I looked up, into his face, his eyes blazing. 'Then explain!' I demanded.

He stayed quiet, lowering his head a little, disengaging his eyes from mine. 'You come into my house, uninvited, tell me that I am in some grave danger but not from what – because you don't think I can handle it. Tell me that you 'wish' you could explain things to me, but then make me feel like I couldn't possibly understand.' I shouted. The fight was back on, fully loaded and rearing to go. I stood cocking my words ready to fire whatever I had.

Edward stepped back from me, but I followed him move for move. 'For once, have the guts to treat me as your equal and not some child whose hand you need to hold.' I moved my hands onto my hips, waiting for his retaliation.

'Is that you think?' He asked. 'I am doing this because I don't think you could handle it?'

I stayed mute and was about to turn away from him when his arm shot up and took hold of my elbow, pulling me back to him. 'You are the most courageous and strongest person I know.' I was still, I am sure even my heart stopped beating. My neck, feeling his breath, had hairs standing on end. 'Sometimes I think you are too brave... you have no sense of self preservation, no idea of what dangers you put yourself in on a regular basis.' Fast words tumbling out of his hard mouth, lips tight.

He peeled his hands away slowly, but we were stuck, momentarily, our bodies not quite touching, our eyes not quiet seeing, and even in this, an utterly PG moment, my body had not felt this much electricity since days of biology classes and the seat of my old truck, and even then it was nothing like this. I felt him swallow, breaking the stance and I backed away from him.

'If I didn't know how this could end, I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't have made the decision to turn up, to disrupt your life. Again! I would have stayed away, and made sure you were safe through other means.' He bellowed.

'Other means?' I jumped in, my voice not sounding like my own, dry and weak.

'Private detectives. I call them, they find you, make sure you are ok and report back to me. Though I request never to know where they found you.' He took a step towards me, arms crossed again.

'Why?'

'Why do I keep you safe? Believe me, if I had known how much of a full time job this would be, I wouldn't have applied for it.'

'No, not that.' I angrily replied to his attempt to lighten the mood.

'Why do I ask them not to tell me where you are? It would be too easy for me to seek you out. To find you and to hide out on the periphery of your life.' He took another step and we were back where we had just been. Too close for comfort, not close enough for relief. His hand moved along my shoulder, pushing my hair back and I felt him on my throat, hard fingertips and icy strokes, sending sparks through me, from toe nails to hair tips.

He breathed in deeply. 'You still don't get what you are to me...'

I swallowed, my brain not functioning, trying to hold on to the only things that had kept me going for the last four years. 'I believe you called me a distraction. Not good for you.' Wishing for the battle to be back on, I said the things I knew would draw the most blood, his or mine, and as I couldn't strike him, I plunged the daggers into myself. I swallowed, not being able to deal with this proximity or intimacy. The sweet torture too much for me to handle.

His forehead was so close, I wasn't sure if it was actually touching mine or not. 'You don't know how much it hurts me to know that you remember every word I said.' He whispered.

'You don't know how much it hurts me to know that you said every word I remember.' I replied.

We continued to circle each other, half surrendering, other half ready to thrust accusations and truths from our short but mutual history at each other. I don't know how long our stance held, it may have been minutes, it could have been hours. Once again, a buzzing drew us both back.

His hands, a moment earlier empty, now held his silver cell, fingers briefly a blur and then another buzz.

My body shifted away of its own accord. 'What is Alice saying?' I queried.

Edward pocketed the cell, placed hands on his hips and took a deep breath. His gaze on me, scrutinizing me. He sighed, leaning against the sofa's arm. 'That I need to change the subject.' Brushing his fingers through his hair and sat for a moment with his head in his hands. 'Alice has been having visions of a newborn army.'

'Newborn?' I asked.

'New vampires. We had issues a while back in Quebec, and thought we had dealt with them. '

'But now they are here?'

'Yes.' He released his head and I saw the distress and worry in his eyes. Step by step I moved towards him, slowly lowering myself in the seat next to him. His fingers fiddled with an unseen mark on his trousers, eyes not meeting mine.

'And you somehow think that I am going to be involved with them?'

He shook his head. 'As far as Alice can make out, they come to get you.' His gaze flitted over to me and returned to his hands.

'Get me? She can see me now?'

'In a way. She believes she saw you being pulled into their rank in a vision this morning.'

'They make me one of them?' I swallowed hard, not sure if I should be jubilant to receive what I have wanted for the last five years or cry at the horror of this gift not coming from him.

'Yes.'

'Make me a vampire?'

'Yes.' Words whispered, I notice him staring at me. 'But there's something that Alice can't make out, something that harms you, somebody out to get you, either to hurt you or to kill you.'

All I could do is nod.

'She can't see everything, which makes it difficult. All we know is that you are in danger.' He explained.

'So it's vampires after me?' I enquired

'We can't be sure.' He nodded slowly, eyes still locked on mine.

'Does Alice have a time frame?'

'The next couple of days.'

'Why are you here to warn me?'

He blinked a couple of times and then raised his eyebrow at my question. 'Contrary to popular belief we don't like humans being turned, especially humans that are in our... acquaintance.' I felt his anger bristle under his words, but was unable to understand where it had come from. He rose, pushed his hands into his trouser pockets and moved away from me.

'So what is your plan?' I asked meekly.

'We don't have one. Once the family arrives, we'll to take you away from here.'

'Run?'

'Yes.' His distaste for this option could not be ignored. He kept his back to me.

'Why wait until the family arrives?'

'We need the numbers to keep you safe.'

My mouth opened, though no sound came out. It hung in a perfectly formed o for a few seconds before I spoke again. 'Where to?'

'Alaska.'

'Denali.' I nodded.

He turned briskly. 'Yes. I am surprised you remembered.'

I reached for the half full glass on the table in front of me, and took a swig. 'I am surprised you thought I'd forget.' I whispered. I heard him sigh and watched a wounded glance appear across his face. 'And you think that will do it... keep me safe?' I asked.

'Alice thinks so.'

'What do you think?'

'I wish I could make certain that you'd be safe if we stayed. I want to meet them head on, sort it out once and for all, I don't want to run. I don't want to put you into any dangerous situations.'

'So why are we?' I asked. He cocked his head, making me think that I should have known the answer already. 'Alice.' I took another sip of drink and placed it back on the table.

We stayed silent. The room was so quiet that I could hear the ticking of my alarm clock from the bedroom.

'Thank you.' I raised my eyes to him and tried to convey my gratitude.

'What for?' He queried. He didn't seem confused, more alarmed that I had said something nice to him.

'Telling me the truth.' I bit my lip.

The severity of the current situation was not lost on me. It was the first time that evening that his reappearance and everything it could possibly entail had not been my main challenge. I knew this was the fork in my road whatever the outcome there would be no going back. One way or another, my life was never going to be the same. Live or die. Both options had, at some point during the last 4 years, been heavily on my mind, parts wanted to give up my life in exchange for not feeling the pain of his absence, the other was ready to forgive and forget and move on, just to have him back in my life. Even if only for a short time.

I was astonished to feel wetness on my cheeks and quickly wiped away tears that had come unbidden. Embarrassed, I moved my face away from him gaze, seeing his concerned eyes. 'Don't worry, I'll try to keep the emotional outbursts to a minimum.' It took me a moment to compose myself. 'So what do we do now?' I asked, fake cheerfulness caked on.

He shook his head. 'We stay here. If that is ok with you.'

'And then?' I returned to face him. Edward sat down on the far side of the sofa.

'Once the others have arrived I'll go and meet them to discuss our options.'

'You'll go... What about me?'

'I didn't think you'd want to see them.'

'Thanks for your concern, but I think I can handle seeing your family again.' I grumbled.

'Ok. Sorry, I'd assumed...'

'Where are Alice and Jasper now?' I enquired.

He regarded me for a long moment. 'They're close by...'

'Would you mind calling them and asking them here?'

For the first time that evening, he seemed hopeful, that somehow I would let our past mistakes go and that there was a possibility, however small, that we could move on. Though at that moment I couldn't have guessed what it was either of us wanted us to move on to.

He nodded. Smirking he noted. 'Alice would love that.'

He retrieved his cell and punched a few buttons, holding it to his ear. I excused myself and went to my bathroom. I freshened up, splashing my face with cold water. The image staring back at me from the mirror was a bit of a shock.

My cheeks were flushed, eyes were red-rimmed from my recent breakdown. I wanted to laugh at how terrible I looked, but all that came out of me was a heavy breath, before I felt my bottom lip quiver and new tears pooling in my eyes. I wiped my eyes frantically. Having managed to reassemble something along a life, I felt annoyed and angry that he had managed to turn up and hurl everything back into chaos.

My head was telling me that I should go out there and kick him out, tell him that I could handle anything life threw at me, whilst his presence wasn't good for me. But my heart... my heart was telling to do the complete opposite.

I took a few deep breaths and squared my shoulders back. Giving myself the last once over, I opened the door and walked back to the living room, stopping short at the doorway.

Edward was just on the other side, inspecting my picture wall, one specific photo seemed to have grabbed his attention.

He regarded it, before turning to me and raising his eyebrows. I crossed my arms and waited for him to speak.

'You look so happy in this one.' He pointed surly at the image he had just examined, as if showing me evidence to contradict the proof of my pain and heart ache I had endured after his departure.

My gaze followed to where his finger was pointing and looked at the photo. 'Graduation? Yeah, I had finally managed to convince Charlie that I was ok... after... everything.' More angry tears threatened to spill at remembering that time. Wounds still so sore and rough, I hadn't thought I could make it.

'Hmm.... I thought you would have moved on.' He mirrored my stance and crossed his arms over his chest. I wasn't sure if he was desperately trying to be insensitive to point out that there was no us, or that some other thought process was faulty. The set of his jaw and lips told me that there was irritation brimming under his cool exterior.

In answer to his attitude, I felt my own rage stretching its arms, hoping this time that the battle would be followed through. 'What, with Mike... or Tyler? You should know me better than that.'

I watched him crunch his teeth together, harder than I thought possible. He nodded, slowly, before tilting his head slightly back and looking down at me, said 'Sometimes it's easier to make believe that we know things when we actually don't.'

Feeling his statement as a direct attack, I swallowed. 'What's that supposed to mean.'

Frustratingly he stayed still, breathing deeply, as if goading me on. 'Have you just come here to see the mess I've become? Gloat at your triumph?' I spat out. 'Ok, enough! I want you out, I can't deal with you here.' I moved and pointed down the hallway to my front door, as if by some magic force he would be immediately transported away from me.

Once again he was stoically silent. His serene face not portraying a single emotion or thought, which only provoked me more. 'I'm not leaving.' He stated simply.

Tapping my foot impatiently I regarded him, not being able to hide the fire that had blazed back into life. 'Fine, then I will.' I sputtered.

Moving down the hall, grabbing the closest coat and pair of house shoes I could find. It wasn't until I was actually at the door, hand on the door knob, that granite arms moved past me, palms outstretched flat on the wood.

'I can't let you leave.' I felt his breath on my neck and for the first time that night caught a whiff of his fragrance... sweet and light. I felt myself crumble against him, anger pooling deeper in the pit of my stomach.

We stayed unmoving, neither of us giving in to the other. 'Give me a couple of hours. If after that you still want me to leave, fine, I'll work something out. Once the others are here.'

I gulped, suddenly faced with the possibility that he really could disappear out of my life again. I felt the grip on myself loosen, flet like I was falling. I did the only thing I could with the inferno that was fighting to break out of me. I leaned more heavily into him, my back to his chest and turned my head slightly, eyes to the side. 'So I have a choice this time?' I bit out.

I felt the tendons in his neck move, the space between his arms becoming claustrophic. I wanted time to stop. I wanted to stay like this forever. The torture too delicious. I knew the final battle was before us, just about to reach out and wrap us up in its luscious devastation.

'Was what I did really so terrible that you can't ignore it? That you throw it in my face every chance you get?' He whispered in my ear, eyelashes grazing my cheek.

'Why?' Both heart and mind were finally in agreement, I had overstepped the mark, had started detonating too early, there was no safe or secure passage for me now the fire was out of control.

Edward stepped back from me slowly, peeling himself away. I lowered my head and could only just make out as his arms left my side, hands flexing into fists.

'I didn't have a choice!' He exclaimed.

I turned to face him, leaning heavily against the door. 'No, no... You always had a choice!' I whimpered.

His hands touched my face instantly, thumbs stroking cheeks, lifting my chin so that my eyes had to look into his. 'Bella, please, don't.'

'You were the one that always made the decision! You never thought of me.' My voice grew.

He dropped his hands, but his gaze never left mine. 'Believe me, you were the only thing I always thought of. I'm trying to explain.' He growled.

'I don't need your explanations, I need you to understand what you did to me.' The fire finding an exit started shooting daggers into him.

'I thought I was doing what was best.'

'I promise you, if you say that one more time....' I yelled.

'Then tell me what I'm supposed to do?' He shouted.

'Listen to me... for once.' I implored.

He stepped back from me, arms across his chest. 'Ok, I'm listening.' He sternly told me.

'You believed what you were doing was the right thing... by me. What you didn't consider was what your actions would do to me....' I stated. I noticed him about to interrupt, so held up my hand. '... No, no, no, please just listen! You took my choice away. One minute I have everything, I have you, I have friends, a family – and you don't know how much that meant to me – and the next minute it is all gone, I was told that it was all a lie, that nobody actually cared, had wanted me.'

'That wasn't....'

'You... left... me.' I continued, my voice rising again. 'There was nothing I could do. Nowhere I could turn. How would you have felt if I had taken your choice away?' He looked at me blankly. 'If I removed myself out of your life, where you couldn't you couldn't reach me.'

'What are you trying to say?'

I took a step towards him. 'What if I hurt myself to such an extent that I could no longer live? If I died, by choice.'

'Suicide? I wouldn't have let you do that.'

'What if you didn't know and didn't have a choice... and there was nothing you could do but watch me slip away, knowing that you can't follow, that I don't want you enough to follow me... just for one moment think of that and tell me that wouldn't hurt.' I was standing in front of him now, my hands on his elbows.

He dropped his gaze. 'That wouldn't hurt. That would annihilate me.'

'Then you have an inkling of what I went through. Even now, you don't know how tempted I am, just out of spite...' All the fire extinguished within me. I felt empty and alone. I didn't want to fight this battle any longer.

'You hate me that much?' He lifted his eyes to mine.

Desperately I wanted to stroke his face. 'It has nothing to do with hate, Edward. It has everything to do with love.' I moved past him into the kitchen.

'You can't throw this at my feet. You know what you were asking of me, what danger you were in, because of me, how much this could hurt you.' He demanded, his presence once again close behind me.

'Believe me, this can't hurt me... this can't break me. ' I turned to him. 'Not like you did by supposedly keeping me safe.'

'Please, I'm begging you to just...'

'Why do you care? Why are you here? You said you didn't love me.' I raged at him, my fists bunching and I hurled to strike him. He was faster and now held my wrists tightly in his hands. He pulled me closer to him, until we were flush, every inch of us touching.

'I lied!!!!' He spat through gritted teeth. 'I lied, and you believed me. How easily you believed me.'

My knees buckled and gave way. He held me up by my elbows, head inclined to mine, so close, too close.

Neither of us spoke, neither of us dared move, neither of us ready to disrupt the moment. Both scared that even the slightest shift would make us disintegrate. I am sure that my heart stilled completely, neither brain nor body wanting to compute our white flags, our truths. I had pushed too far. All walls broken down, I had nothing to hide behind.

I blinked and it took a few moments for me to notice movement in the corner of my eye. Edward's stance had already grown rigid, and within a split second I found myself standing behind him, looking at his back. My hands automatically sprung out and I grasped his waist, feeling him rumble beneath my fingers.

'So you call and invite us, but then don't want to share?' I heard a female voice speak. I managed to peek past his shoulder and found myself face to face with the meddler, the sister.

'Alice?' I whispered.

Momentarily I was swept up, like a paper doll and swung around. 'It's so good to see you!' She murmured into my ear, holding me so tightly it hurt.

My eyes caught of a flash on Edward's face, and I stilled. I begged him to understand, to realise that I needed this, her, just as much as I needed him. Alice caught my glance and turned to look at her brother's face.

'Bella, I think we should leave my brother to talk to Jasper. He needs to learn about sharing sooner rather than later anyway.'

At the mention of Jasper I noticed his absence. As if reading my mind, Alice simply stated. 'Sorry, he's waiting outside. Seems that the emotions are not that stable at the moment... 'A pointed stare wound its way to Edward.' ... plus, he didn't want to upset you.'

My eyebrow perched in question, before I felt a tug on my arm and Alice dragged me into my bed room.

I sat down heavily on my bed and tried to keep my breathing normal. Alice sat down next to me, smiling widely, arms grabbing me by the shoulder.

She seemed more mature, somehow. Her hair, instead of a pointy mess, was sleekly combed against her head, and the manic energy I had known long ago, was now just a sparkling shimmer.

'Are you ok?' She asked, pushing a strand of my hair behind my ear.

I regarded her for a moment, a grin on my face. 'Stupid question isn't it?' Upon seeing her hurt look, I added 'Sorry, I'm fine.' I stared at my hands on my lap.

'It is lovely to see you again! Of course, it would have been nicer under other circumstances.' She noted.

I peeked at her. 'It's good to see you too.' I felt the last bricks of my wall crumble before her. That way she used to put me straight at ease, without conflict, without apology, had not changed. 'I've missed you.' I surprised even myself by the honesty in my voice.

'You don't know how much I have missed you.' She said as she pulled me into a tight hug again. 'Just for the record I didn't agree with what he did.'

'I know, but you still went along with it.' It was a statement, not an accusation.

'He's my brother.' She raised her brows, not understanding how my words were meant. 'Believe me, if I could have done anything else, I would have... '

'I know. But you didn't have to completely cut me out of your life, did you?'

'He begged me to.'

'And of course, what Edward asks for, he gets.' I stood from the bed and walked to the window.

'I can see how you might think that.' She nodded sadly. Taking a deep breath, she changed the subject. 'You're looking well.'

Being met by my silence, she carried on. 'I like what you've done with the place.'

I laughed. My place, although everything I owned and my pride and joy, was by no means a palace. It was stark and threadbare, no matching furniture, a second hand life scraped together from other people's rubbish. 'Thanks.'

'How is Charlie?' She moved along the bed to be right opposite me and sat down again, cross-legged, pulling her feet under her.

'He is well.' I smiled at the mention of my father. 'He's not happy with me here in the big city.'

'He'd prefer for you to have stayed in Forks?' She leaned back on her hands.

'No, I think he wants me back with my mother in Florida.' I noted. I slid down the wall and pulled my legs to me. 'That way he wouldn't have to worry about me so much.'

'I don't think you understand how much confidence he has in you. How proud he is of you.' She smiled sadly, understanding that the relationship with my father had always been uncomplicated, silent yet fragile. 'And he's not trying to hand you back to your mother.'

'Don't worry. It seems my sensitivity to rejection is quite low at the moment. At least it was before this evening....' Even though I meant it jovial, meant to lighten the mood, I felt my bottom lip quiver. Alice was at my side in a split second.

'I didn't know what he was going to say to you... that day. I hope you know that.' She embraced me, softly this time, tenderly. 'I ignored him for a year... if that is any consolation.'

'Not really.' I lowered my head against her shoulder. Wanting desperately to keep myself together, but not being very successful. I wiped at my eyes, forbidding any further tears tonight. 'Anyway... I hear you can't see me anymore.' I smiled up at her.

'Yes.'

'Any idea why?' I enquired.

'Edward didn't tell you?'

I regarded her face for a minute. She wasn't giving anything away, just like her brother. 'I am coming to understand that there are a lot of things Edward isn't telling me.'

'Believe it or not, he really isn't in a good place.'

'I know that I am not in a good place at the moment.' I looked away, playing with threads on my sweats.

'He needs you. As his friend.'

'And I am supposed to do what?' I calmly asked. 'Put the past behind me and stand by him? Forgive and forget.'

'That's not what I am asking of you.'

'Then what are you?' I looked at her. She seemed hurt by my words.

'You were the first time he felt connected to anything.'

My gaze returned to my knees, as I nodded. 'He broke up with me.'

'You were the first time he opened up and let somebody else in.'

'It wasn't my choice... I didn't disappear out of his life.'

'You don't know the difference you affected in him. And still do.' Her voice became a whisper, hands stroking my hair, and I found myself looking at her once again.

'I forgave Jasper as soon as it happened. It was a stupid mistake, it was nothing...' I blabbered, unable to stop the words.

'You still think that it's because of what Jasper did?' So much compassion in her countenance.

'That and the fact he didn't love me or want me.'

'I need you to be his friend, to understand why he did what he did.'

'I understand a little too well what he did. I've been living with what he did.' I put to her.

'But you don't seem to want to accept why he did it.'

'He told me...' I trailed off.

'He's also just told you that he lied.' She forcefully made me listen by grabbing my face and turning it towards her. Her eye, wide open, begged me to understand, to connect the dots.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. Edward stood, scrutinising his sister. Neither she, nor I had noticed his approach. 'Alice, can I talk to you?' He asked, probably more for my sake than hers.

She stood up and they walked into the hallway, staying in the shadows, where I only saw lips moving frantically. Alice's stance became quite hostile and the conversation ended with her throwing her arms in the air, obviously exasperated. She returned to me and closed the door.

'It seems that my brother wants to discuss this with you himself.'

'Please... I can't see him right now.' My voice trembled, scared of the truths he might make me face.

She nodded, before opening the door. Seconds later she was back at my side. 'I understand.'

'I don't know what to do.' I whispered.

'Don't worry, we can just stay in here for as long as you need.'

'And then what? What if I need 4 days.'

'Then it'll take 4 days.' She raised her eyebrows at me and smiled warmly.

'Aren't we running on somebody else's schedule?'

'You're the most important thing in this, so whatever needs to be done to ensure that you are safe and happy, that'll be what's done.'

'Thank you.' I stated. 'So what changed in the last 4 years?'

'It was your safety and happiness that we were trying to preserve.' She explained.

'Shame that nobody asked me how I felt about it.'

'Yes, and I cannot apologise enough.'

'Let's change the subject. We'll forever go in circles otherwise.' I moved to the comfort of my bed. Alice followed suit, both of us lying on our stomach, clutching a cushion.

'You're looking tired. Would you like to rest? We'll have plenty of time to catch up.'

'You're not going to leave?' I couldn't hold back a yawn.

'I might have to leave, but I promise you that I will be back. No matter what.' She smiled and once again stroked my hair, a mother calming a tired child.

'What time is it?' I rubbed my nose.

'Just before 1.'

'Would you mind....'

'....Staying with you? Of course not. It would be my pleasure.'

'Thank you.' My eyes were closed by the time the last letter left my lips.

'Don't worry. It's what friends are for.'

I closed my eyes and drifted into a sound and safe place, sleep wrapping her warm and protective arms around me. I don't know how long I slept, or what I dreamt of, vague images and feelings were still lingering when I awoke, to the mattress moving ever so slightly under somebody else's weight. My eyes fluttered briefly, before I managed to keep them open.

Edward was sitting at the bottom of my bed, concerned smile gracing his lips.

'Hey.' His voice, soft and apologetic.

'Hey. Where's Alice?' I asked, my throat still heavy with sleep.

'She went to meet the others.' He explained

'Oh.' I sat up, wiping my hair out of my face and stretching. I stilled under his scrutiny. He leaned back and pulled his hands onto his lap. 'I hope you don't mind.' He stated. 'Me, staying with you whilst you slept.'

I realised it was the first time he ever apologised for it. Not once, during our teenage romance had he ever expressed regret or uncertainty. 'No. It's ok.' I pushed myself off the bed and he followed suit. 'The others are here?' I enquired.

'Yes, Carlisle and Esme. They're just checking into the hotel.' He seemed at a loss, not knowing where to look or how to act. We both seemed to realise that there was no fight left in either of us, that battles had brought nothing but more heartache and both felt too brittle to attempt anything like it again. 'I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have let it go that far.'

I took a step towards him. 'I think I had a hand in it getting out of control too. Stop taking responsibility for things you can't change. It's ok.' I smiled.

'Still, I'm sorry.'

I moved another step. 'I'm sorry, too. I didn't mean to say those things.' Like an elastic band I felt him pulling me, towing me to him.

He scratched behind his ear and flashed me a small crooked smile. 'You have every right to say them. I am no good for you and what I did to you...'

I raised my eyebrow, disappointed that he would fight by himself, without me, putting himself down for no reason. 'Stop, stop right there! You're doing it again, making decisions for me when I am perfectly capable of making my own.' I admonished.

He was surprised at my outburst, even more so when I was right in front of him and tenderly reached out my hand to cup his face. I was too tired to hide behind these pretences and walls I had built. I needed to be truthful with both him and myself and say the things I needed to say, the things he needed to hear. This may be the only chance I had. 'You are better for me than anybody else I know.'

He cocked his head, pushing his cheek further into my palm. 'Where do we go from here?'

'I honestly don't know.' I admitted.

'I want you to be happy. I guess it's best to get this situation out of the way first, before we make any decisions.' He asserted, before sitting back down on my bed.

'I don't want to fight myself, you, us anymore. I want you.' I followed his lead and perched myself on the edge of the mattress, facing him.

'Even if you die at my hands... what if I can't keep you safe or I lose control...?' He managed to restrain the fear and worry in his voice, however, they were clear to read on his face.

'You never did before, and you won't let anything hurt me that I don't want to. Plus there's the fact that I'd rather die at your hands than anybody else's.' I tried to appease him.

A quick smile, and he shook his head, causing me to feel like the student who still hadn't understood the problem after days of exercises. 'That really isn't funny...' He simply said. His hand clasped mine and he pulled it towards him. 'I love you more than I should.'

I wanted to reciprocate. I wanted to say those words to him. But I knew that if I said them, I would break down and I didn't want to do that anymore.

'It took all of me to leave you. I don't think I could do it again.' He confessed.

'I don't want you to do it again.' I murmured. 'Ever again!' I exaggerated my point by pulling our clasped hands towards me and raising my eyebrows.

'I can't give you anything but myself.' He declared.

'That's all I ever wanted. It's more than I need or deserve.' My free hand placed itself on his chest, where his heart would have been beating.

'You still don't know what you are, do you?'

'Right back at you!' I laughed. We scrutinised each other, watching for cracks, not quite sure how sturdy our newfound us was. Both of us happy that we had reached this mutual ground without fatalities, but also hesitant how far we could make it. 'I need time.'

'Time, I've got... plenty. Massive amounts of time. I have eons... All I keep thinking about is that if it takes all your life to make this right, I will do it. I will do whatever it takes.' As if to reiterate his words, he lifted our clasped fingers and gently kissed the back of my hand.

'I don't want you to stay with me because you feel guilty.'

He shook his head in amusement, unsure of how I could have thought of such a thing in the first place. 'That's not why I'm staying.' He insisted. 'I don't want you to stay with me because you feel you owe me anything, because you don't.'

'I owe you my life. But I am not staying because of that.' I declared. I untwined our fingers and moved closer to him. I lifted my hand. His hair felt so soft and welcoming under my fingertips. I couldn't help but comb them through it. 'And I don't want to fight about this, but I, we, will have to make some decisions, about my human status. It will be something I want us to think about... if we work this out.' I made clear.

'I know.'

I moved slightly away from him and pushed myself up. I took a deep breath, knowing that the subject had to be broached, sooner rather than later. 'Why did you leave?' There was no blame, no accusation in my voice, it was simply a question.

'I thought you didn't want to argue anymore.' He remained seated on the bed, sighing.

I turned to him, showing him a small smile, trying to prove that it wasn't an attack. 'I don't, I just need to know the truth.'

'Have you ever tried looking after a caterpillar?' He slapped his knees and stood next to me, both of us looking out the window at the rising sun. I felt his fingers trying to twist with mine.

'What?' I faced him, not understanding.

'It's called a metaphor. I'm trying to explain.' He looked at me from the corner of his eyes, crinkled in a smile.

'You're comparing me to a bug???' I played outraged. 'Ok! No, I haven't ever looked after a caterpillar.'

'Well, you know it is going to turn into this beautiful butterfly, but at the same time it's so easy to squash it, so easy for something to come along and kill it. One accident and it will be gone forever.'

'Doesn't this caterpillar have as much chance of being killed if it is left in the wild?' I argued.

'You're not making this easy!' He dropped my hand and faced me, arms outstretched, holding on to my shoulders. 'The caterpillar is so fragile, so easily destroyed by my hands, it makes it difficult to look after.' I felt as if he was talking to me as he would to a 4-year old.

'But at the same time, what if the caterpillar wants to be with you and turn into a butterfly, then why won't you let it?' I took a small step towards him, feeling him level up to me. 'Maybe you don't think you deserve to look after the butterfly?' I teased.

'Maybe.' He inclined his head, so close to my cheek, I was in no doubt where his lips would fall. However, he stilled and remained frozen.

'Maybe you don't think you deserve for the butterfly to want you?' I whispered, tilting my head up, closing the distance between us.

'Maybe.' I watched his lips smirk. 'Maybe I think the butterfly is having an existential crisis and doesn't know what it wants.'

I stepped away, mock horror flashing across my face. His hands clasped around my waist and he pulled me back. 'Maybe the butterfly knows exactly what it wants.' I stated.

'Hmm.' He breathed in.

'I trust you with my life.'

'And you are my life'. His whole body became rigid under my hands, my fingers clasping into his shirt, felt every muscle in his chest contracting. He groaned, deeply, before exclaiming, 'Alice and Jasper are here.'

'How did you...? Right... hearing thoughts... sorry.' I uttered. Feeling dense, I moved my head away from his glance.

'They're waiting outside for us.' He hooked a finger under my chin and made me look at him. 'How would you feel about checking into a hotel for the next couple of days?'

'For a dirty weekend?' The words escaped my lips before I could think about what they meant.

His brows knitted in astonishment and I am sure that if he'd had even an ounce of blood flowing through his body, it would have currently coloured his cheeks. 'For the weekend, but not a dirty one. It'll be easier to look after your safety there.' He explained

'Oh, of course.' I crimsoned at my own wanton behaviour.

'How long will you need to pack?'

'Not long. Do you mind if I have a human moment?'

'Sure. I'll wait... in the living room.'

I freshened up, then rushed around my room, pulling random pieces of clothing onto the bed, before shoving them in an overnight bag. Picking up my toothbrush and deodorant from my bathroom, I rounded into the living room to find him sitting on the sofa, leaning forward, apprehensive.

'Ready?'

'I think so.' I regarded the bag I held in my hand.

'Is there anybody you want to call before hand? Let them know that you'll be gone for a while?' He asked.

'Only work and I can call them on Monday, letting them know I am taking some personal time.'

'What about family and friends?'

'They've got my cell number if they really want to contact me.' I stated as I put my cell into my bag.

'Ok, then.' Edward held his hand out to me, inviting me. 'Are you sure?' His eyes conveyed his worry, his apprehension, both of us realising that there would be no turning back from this.

'I've never been more sure about anything.' And finally, for the first time in a long time, I knew that this was my decision, my choice, and I had made it.


End file.
